2019-03-21 8:34am Post Title: It's OK To Just Feel “OK”
So yeah this is a common occurrence in my life. I think there was a consistently all green point somewhere in the early years. I think it was around the time before I became allergic to all in the world that is pollen. Then for two chunks out of the year, I was gross from face slime and reclusive. Survival meant avoiding being literally blinded and breathless from nature's splendor. My favorite season changed from Spring to Winter respectively. An odd optimist meets nihilist humor set in, and what I've now come to understand as the Pastel Goth lifestyle became a life goal.
Returning to the main topic though, yes I'm OK for the most part. OK days mean I don't spiral, have body image issues, remember how terrifying people can be, or question my continued presence in what will be a necessary forgotten history. I say “necessary” because I don't want someone other than myself to log anything about my life. Certainly not to the point where it could count as “history” — and I'm rambling.
Anyway — people want more than OK and I can't give it to them. I sometimes wonder if people are flailing on the inside because I'm not happy but just coasting on flat contentment for the most part. It's not like I don't have happy days at all. I do. May hand to whatever runs this universe — science? Let says science. My hand to science, I do have happy days and when I do that's great. Yay for me. I just don't understand the need to try and be happy all the time when I'm doing just fine feeling OK. There are too many people in my life that recoil then awkward laugh at my admissions of “Eh, I'm ok” like I'm hiding some dark sadness and am crying for help. I do have a dark sadness, correction, I have a lot of them. I seldom cry for help though, and mostly because I don't want help with it. I'm the type that loves watching sad movies and favorites books, shows, music, and other media that brings me to tears because I am comfortable with both my empathy and feelings of sadness.
However, if I'm feeling OK I am not feeling sad, angry, hateful, or overjoyed. I'm leveled out. I'm not bothered, but I'm not numb. I'm letting things go without suppressing any feelings. I'm OK and having people treat that feeling like a bad thing just reminds me of the common dialogue:
A: Are you mad? B: No. A: Are you sure? B: Yes. A: You seem mad. Why are you mad? B: Well “A” I'm not mad, but I am annoyed. A: Why are you annoyed? B: Because you won't leave me alone about being mad when I'm not. A: Well sorry. You just seem mad. B: Well I am now. Thanks.
I often have to tell people that I appreciate their concern, but I'm fine when I tell people that I'm just feeling OK. As if I need to tiptoe around their insecurities about things not being perfect around them. While I want to reassure the people I care about because I do love them and want them to be OK — I want them to just accept it at face value and drop it most of the time. Not in an “I don't want to talk about it” way, but a “stop reminding me that I have times when I'm not OK” kind of way “because I would like to savor these times when I can be OK” kind of way. Being OK is a good thing for me and, at least from my perspective, I think it's good for most other people.
To all the OTHER other people out there who don't know how to handle your beloved mental messes like me let me reassure you that your care for us is indeed appreciated. We — or at least I — understand that you are trying your best with people who often find it hard to not keep their problems bottled up. Thank you for your care and service. Please let us savor the times when we can just be OK. We won't think any less of you. You don't need us to be happy all the time for you yourself to be OK. You're awesome in your own right.
We're OK. You're OK. It's going to be fine.