2019.05.13 12:00 pm Post Title: The Future Freaks Me Out
Hello to the possibly figurative people who read this blog. It's been a while! Life is still fishtailing between winding myself up for a panic attack and being generally OK with how things are going. Social life and work has me busier than ever but no more or less below the poverty line than I already am. Which in a sense eases us into the topic of today's blog and how it correlates with my anxiety disorder.
The Future Freaks Me Out is not only a fact of my life and the title of this post but the title of a song by Motion City Soundtrack. The song itself doesn't seem to hold the same feel for life other than the not joined lyrics of “I'm on fire” and “the future freaks me out”. In fact, if anything their song “Everything Is Alright” fits better since it has to do with dealing with an overactive mind and trying to keep it busy so you don't do something disastrous like catch the kitchen on fire.
Getting more into the actual topic at hand — yes I am constantly fretting over the unknown that is the future. This sort of thing is common yet I also find myself with this feeling that I am not going to live past 40 at the most and am oddly ok with that. Oddly being the only thing that I can think of to describe the feeling of dread and introspective horror at that fact. I'm not surprised though. For a long time, my stress had lead to suicidal thoughts. None that I acted on, but they were there all the same. They seldom focused on being mad or hateful toward me or anyone else though. Mostly it was just me being too overwhelmed by the fact that I had what seemed like no control over my life, everything was going to shit from my perspective, and I just wanted to not feel like I was being tortured all the damn time. Since the only thing I had control over would be my continued life status of “Still here” I guess it just lead me to wanted to just go all dark no stars for the rest of Christendom.
All the plans I had for my future unraveled and died in my junior year of high school then slowly but surely all my following plans until two years after I graduated college went to shit too. Now I have no plan, am hesitant to make any despite being encouraged to, and am freaking out on a weekly basis because I have no fucking clue as to what I'm doing anymore. Some days I can roll with it but like recently with all the things both physical and mental that kept me from writing in this blog — I find myself rising into what will probably be a nasty panic attack in a month or so. I have a job I like but do not love whatsoever since it pays very little and my boss doesn't trust me despite working for her for two years. They periodically think I am slacking off every other month and I have to explain to them that I have been working the entire time. Things just don't always go to plan and sometimes what seems like the smallest issues with tech, software functions, or website building can snowball into a larger problem and consequently a larger task timetable. While everyone does have boss issues and I know that — I am one of three people at this company. I have a lot on my plate because of that. I have had to pay over $1700 dollars over the course of two years in this job on a work computer and its accessories on a paycheck of $11.50 an hour 35 hours a week. All just to keep this job where I don't get paid well and my boss doesn't trust me. Add on to that the fact that I don't get paid vacation time or sick leave or federally encouraged 3 day weekends or even paid lunch breaks — I am stressed. I am very very stressed. But I am stuck with this job until someone else wants to hire me — and my job search of a year and a half has come up with no one interested. Add on to all that the fact that I'm nearing thirty with bad cholesterol, stress, and unexplained tachycardia problems and that pun intended deadline of 40 doesn't seem too far fetched or unwelcome.
So yeah. The future freaks me right the fuck out. I don't know what to do about it other than take things a day at a time, let the panic attacks happen when they do, and idly acknowledge that if I die in the next twenty or so years at least I won't have to deal with anything ever again good or bad.